I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
You Might Also Like
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?