i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
i want it utterly assaulted.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.