I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried