I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
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one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that