@Laser_Cat

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

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@TheBoydP

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

@dave_cactus

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

@toomanycommas3

People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are

Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep

@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: What time is our movie tonight?

Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes

Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30

“Back off ladies. He’s mine”

@mrjohndarby

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

@Proxic0n

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be