I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Life is a suicide mission.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.