@HonestToddler So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
@OhNoSheTwitnt “I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
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@HonestToddler 
@TeeJayRush Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
@Cpin42 In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
@weinerdog4life Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
@Brampersandon_ [Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
@BerrymoreBlue Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
@TheOneTrueDisco On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
@BunAndLeggings I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
@decentbirthday [Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
@iinkedZombie I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.