“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Very problematic
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead