@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

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@HonestToddler

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

@TeeJayRush

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

@BerrymoreBlue

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

@TheOneTrueDisco

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

@BunAndLeggings

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”