I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
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LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”