I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests