“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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