I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
You Might Also Like
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there