I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!