I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
found my next D&D character name
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!