I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim