I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Bit chilly again tonight.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Phonetics
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.