I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.