I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
You Might Also Like
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?