I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.