i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Autocorrect completely socks
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice