I am HOWLING at this
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Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.