I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
You Might Also Like
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
can you read it!!??
maan!
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
This did not end as expected.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”