I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
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If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
All excellent questions
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset