I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
True
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
the short answer to this question
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
OH. COME. ON.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.