I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice