I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.