“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Eggs benadryl my favourite
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.