Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.