I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her