I am laughing way too hard at this.
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Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.