@kayleighceilidh “Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
@deardilettante I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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@kayleighceilidh 
@SortaBad You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
@adult_mom Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
@KeetPotato doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
@TheAlexNevil *sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
@canadian_makin Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
@Fred_Delicious [At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
@ojedge [on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
@LizerReal *showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
@i_wasnt_looking Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.