@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

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@mrsjohngoodman

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

@Nawvernburd

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

@Book_Krazy

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

@SteveKoehler22

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

@

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

@TwinSurvivalist

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

@zachcozad1

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@stevevsninjas

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

@Mom_Overboard

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.