I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

You Might Also Like


I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts


Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.


*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit



No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.


*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*


Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.


Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus


The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.


Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws


My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.