I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.