@mrsjohngoodman I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
@deardilettante I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
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@mrsjohngoodman 
@Nawvernburd Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
@Book_Krazy *Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
@SteveKoehler22 No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
@TwinSurvivalist Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
@zachcozad1 Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
@stevevsninjas The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
@Mom_Overboard Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
@Brianhopecomedy My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.