@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

You Might Also Like

@kayleighceilidh

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

@SortaBad

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

@adult_mom

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

@KeetPotato

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@canadian_makin

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

@Fred_Delicious

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

@ojedge

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

@LizerReal

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

@i_wasnt_looking

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.