I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*