@TheTweetOfGod

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

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@TragicAllyHere

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

@gobmentcheese

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

@MageOfSolitude

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@fro_vo

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

@Reverend_Scott

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

@i_wasnt_looking

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

@skickwriter

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

@PaulyPeligroso

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

@clichedout

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee