I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.

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You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.


Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.


Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.


Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.


ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something


[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn


Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.


Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!


“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”


my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee