I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
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Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
me working on my assignments ^-^
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.