I am never leaving this website
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Put a ring on it
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.