I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Inside you there are two wolves
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.