I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
my astrological sign is a french fry
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”