I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?