I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
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Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Did my cat write this
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8