I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.