I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Anyone really
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here