I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
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Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
my retirement plan is braless
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”