I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
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I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas