I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
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I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Same post same
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
A small tragedy.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?