@The_MartiniGirl

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

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@pauleggleston

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

@sarahschauer

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

@MicheleAKALips

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

@WalkingOutside

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@hipstermermaid

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

@wendchymes

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

@Alex_but_online

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?