I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.


Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no


My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.


Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.


Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie


My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.


You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.


I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber


[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?