I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*