I am officially off the marketπππππ
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Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If wrestling is βfakeβ then explain this
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughterβs Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that Iβm about to turn?
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Me: Iβm so sick and I canβt taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches β and it doesnβt matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…ππ
#TuesdayMotivaton
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABCβs for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
βThere are way too many people in there.β
~my 7yoβs review of Whereβs Waldo
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir