@meantomyself

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

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@PeteSnacks

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

@TragicAllyHere

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

@generaldietz

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

@QwertyJones3

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

@YSylon

“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”

@Shariv67

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

@Dawn_M_

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

@ch000ch

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

@weinerdog4life

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters