I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

You Might Also Like


Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.


I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end


Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.


“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.


“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”


My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.


I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.


You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought


Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters