@aimeevc1970
@UghNotAgain Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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@UghNotAgain 
@Reverend_Scott [Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
@KalvinMacleod My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
@ScottLinnen Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
@Writepop Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
@maebemarbles *Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
@Smooheed HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
@david8hughes [describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
@MoistPork If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
@M_Angelo505 FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.