@aimeevc1970

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

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@UghNotAgain

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

@Reverend_Scott

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

@ScottLinnen

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

@Writepop

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

@maebemarbles

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

@Smooheed

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

@M_Angelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.