@aimeevc1970
@TheHyyyype [first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
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@TheHyyyype 
@dafloydsta [first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
@SladeBleu Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
@SortaBad Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
@IamJackBoot Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
@CulturedRuffian Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
@vangobot if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
@BacklineNurse [alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
@ramblinma Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
@mejustbeth It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?