I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
You Might Also Like
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
an octopus is just a wet spider
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold