I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
You Might Also Like
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”