I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”