I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.