@pizzajaynow I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
@MichaelTrying “I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
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@pizzajaynow 
@Jeffwni [1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
@PaperWash *holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
@nattylumpo88 I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
@pplwtching When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
@jamesbirchall97 How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
@DanMentos *chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
@OakHill_ Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
@PLATINUM2000 I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
@sarcasticmommy4 I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.