@MichaelTrying

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

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@pizzajaynow

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

@Jeffwni

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

@nattylumpo88

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

@pplwtching

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

@DanMentos

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

@OakHill_

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

@PLATINUM2000

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

@sarcasticmommy4

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.