“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

You Might Also Like


I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.


[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”


*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*


I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.


When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.


*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading


Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk


I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*


I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.