I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
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Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else